I procrastinated taking a shower by going for a run and then to breakfast. This is especially odd considering I woke up a little hungover after much debauchery last night.
I still haven’t showered. I’m enjoying the funk. You might think it’s gross but I haven’t been earning my sweat lately, so this feels satisfying and awesome.
My slow 3 miles didn’t particularly merit hash browns and breakfast burrito for refueling purposes, but I am trying to quit thinking about calories and my belly in negative ways and just do what makes me feel good.
36 Days til my next half marathon. Yikes.
I signed up for Kaiser and took their online health assessment, and despite my general attitude that I live a fairly healthy lifestyle, apparently thinking about working out a few times a week and drinking more beers than running miles does not equate to being active and enjoying a great deal of wellness.
The algorithms gave me all kinds of results, not the least among them (no, seriously, the assessment chose this one as the number one thing I should focus on above all other health concerns): DEPRESSION.
Now, I’m not going to say I am suffering from depression because some Kaiser algorithms are suspecting my mental well-being is somehow un-well.
But it sort of makes sense.
And it sort of makes me feel a bit freer to fucking do something about it. In the last three days, I have only drank one night. I got pretty housed Tuesday, but I also was triggered as hell over the shooting at UCSB and all the misogyny all over the goddamn internet, and went to my boyfriend’s to go cry about it. This morning, I woke up well-rested (even if I didn’t want to get out of bed) and clear-headed. And randy. Despite having a more active sex life these days, I rarely feel the desire to do much for myself. This morning, I did. It felt good. (Well duh, but you know, in like, more ways than one.)
I injured my foot doing Bay to Breakers and am in need of new shoes (suggestions welcome - I am going to go to a proper running store, but have previously had success with Brooks Glycerin, Nike Pegasus, and … one I can’t remember, whoops - but if you know of similar shoes (that might be on sale) please let me know). I am planning on going to cycling at the Y tonight, because once upon a time I loved doing things like that.
In addition to knowing I am enough, I need to treat myself like I am enough. It feels a bit like a cloud of self-doubt, derision, insecurity, and worthlessness is lifting, and wow, do I want to be in the sunshine again.
Maybe I’ll be back around here some more, maybe not, but please send me your good vibes.