There are so many developments afoot in my life. I am beyond grateful for the people in my life, and extraordinarily thrilled about one in particular.
I wish I could feel the same way about myself lately, though, and that’s a special kind of suck. I know that I am enough, but I can’t find where I am enough. I have lost my enough and I know that it is here somewhere, but it’s hiding from me. I haven’t been able to channel it. I haven’t been running or working out.
I’m a broken record on this fact.
I am going to be walking a great deal of my half marathon. Which is a month from today. Part of me doesn’t even want to do it anymore because I don’t want to have to walk it. I’m not sure that I prefer a walking finish to a DNS. I don’t feel like I will have earned the finisher medal if I walk, because I know that I am capable of more.
And even though it’s a month from today, I still don’t want to work out. I am in a fight with my body. It’s getting bigger and bigger again - largely, I think, from the numerous beers consumed nightly. Daily. I feel like I am not enough of a person to be this much person.
I am afraid of entering into new relationship territory when I am not as in-love with myself as I would like to be. I don’t want to be dependent upon someone else to show me my self worth. Magnify it, reflect it back to me - sure. But I need to find my enough on my own again.
I don’t know where to start looking. I haven’t been around here much because everyone’s hard work and progress makes me feel inadequate, and I don’t have a lot of energy to support others who are feeling the way I am, so I just stay away. I drink with my friends and I eat and I sleep. And I work. That’s about it.
I need more.
After a great few days of bro-time, I am at the bottom of a serious emotional hangover.
Nearly ten years of friendship and, while some things never change, some things can never be the same. I am suddenly and painfully aware of the fact that I am one of the only women in the group (and the longest of the girl-bros) and now that relationships are happening in earnest, I am no longer one of the boys, as much. It makes me sad to see how things have shifted, but I am hopeful that it’s all changing for the better.
I’ve been spending time with the new human and epiphanies have abounded this week. Growing up is weird and awful and awesome.
I’m behind on RnR training but I refuse to stress about it. This week is not going to be ideal for training but I will find a way to get some in. Last night was fun, playing with weights and talking dating and memories and exercise with my boys.
Last night reminded me why I moved here.
Saturday helped. And into Sunday. I met a human and he seems pretty rad. I probably won’t say a whole lot more on the subject here.
Aside from work (and oh, shark week, I don’t think you are on any kind of cycle anymore but at least the tearfulness last week makes more sense), things are coming up millhouse over here.
Hair appointment today. Going back to blonde, and I’m thrilled. Also going to discuss a fun color to do underneath. Suggestions?
Half marathon training came at exactly the right time. I’m about to lose it. But I have runs and biking scheduled, so I will do them.
I woke up this morning to a paycheck for one week’s work, two weeks after the last paycheck. When the only thing getting me through my job right now is the money, and the money isn’t there… Well I’m trying really hard to make sure I show up today. I’ve already cried this morning and I doubt I’m done. And you should see the zits on my face from all the stress.
Even my sex drive is gone. I’m vaguely sad I’m not getting any, but mostly exhausted and too stressed to bother with taking care of it myself. And when I do, well, I feel like Sally in the diner. It’s not worth it.
San Francisco is not working out the way I thought it would. I didn’t expect perfection but I didn’t expect misery either. I don’t know what to do.
I’ve managed to keep up all of these first few days of training for R&R SF, which is about the only thing that’s going right this week.
I’m at a breaking point with my job and I’ve been here less than 3 months. I’ve been bingeing and on the verge of tears. I just think it’s too stressful, and especially with no time off and all this overtime (that I get paid base hourly, not time and a half for), I can’t handle it.
I feel lazy and worthless but I’m busting ass harder than ever. I just want to hole up and eat all the things and drink all the beer. I don’t know what’s best for me at this point. I just need a break.